The situation we find ourselves in at the moment means we are all having to compromise in different areas of our lives. Unable to see family, friends and loved ones, unable to go away on holiday, having to work from home, instead of being in the office with our teams and colleagues, unable to do a bit of retail therapy. The list goes on. We have all had to make huge compromises.

But…….even before this situation, when we were free to come and go as we pleased, shop where we wanted, travel, meet up with friends and all the other things we took for granted, there were still many of us not living life how we want to live it, because of the compromises we made!

 We start with high hopes and dreams and as our lives unfold, those hopes and dreams begin to disappear, as we compromise what we really want to do or be in order to keep others happy, through a sense of responsibility or duty, through guilt, to keep the status quo and not to rock the boat. Each time we compromise and tell ourselves that life is not all bad, those hopes and dreams we had for ourselves fade a little more, until they have gone completely.

How many of us have stayed in relationships or jobs, because to leave would have such a far reaching effect, that the guilt that would consume us and the responsibility we believe we have for other people’s happiness means it is not an option? So we stay. We live with feelings of sadness, despair, resentment, frustration and depression. We are deeply unhappy. And yet, we stay and we compromise our lives further, until our life is no longer our own.

Deep down inside we know. We know we would like to break free and live the life we dreamed of, we know we are worth more than we have allowed ourselves to be, we are painfully aware of all the compromises we made and as the years pass we then come to believe it is too late to change. We made our bed, now we must lie in it. It will be our death bed.

When we are betrayed by people we love and respect, we experience deep hurt and heartbreak and yet we betray ourselves every time we make a compromise in our life, that takes us further from the life we want to have. Is it any wonder when that happens we are unhappy, frustrated and angry? We are constantly being betrayed by ourselves. Breaking our own hearts.

Neale Donald Walsch the American author of the “Conversation with God” books says “More damage has been done to others by persons leading lives of quiet desperation (that is doing what they had to do) than ever was done by persons freely doing what they wanted.”

When we are desperately unhappy, when we have compromised, who is getting the benefit of our unique gifts and talents we were born with to share with the world? We were given these gifts, to make a difference!

He also says “Betrayal of yourself in order not to betray another, is betrayal nonetheless. It is the highest betrayal.” 

It is the highest because when we betray ourselves, we are destined to live that life of “quiet desperation.” 

When you give so much of your life in compromise, then you are unable to give others the benefit and value of your own unique true self. High betrayal indeed!

Many of us believe we are in a position where we have no choice and that we have to stay in an unhappy situation because of that.

The truth is though, there is always a choice! We are always making choices! If we decide to do nothing, that is a choice!  Often we will make a choice that will create or avoid an outcome!

When we say we have “No choice” we are choosing to believe that! Our choices define us!

It does not mean that all our choices are easy ones! We wish! Some are very tough! When hard choices have to be made it takes courage to make them! But we owe it to ourselves to make those choices and no longer live our lives by the compromises we have put on ourselves.

And yes, it is easy to blame the current circumstances for not living life as we choose and having to make compromises, but how many of us were not living that life long before this? How easy is it to blame what’s going on for that not to be happening? When the truth is, it gives us a great excuse not to make those hard choices and decisions that we need to make, so we are not living our lives by the compromises of our own making any more.

Neale Donald Walsch goes on to say “If you feel trapped, decide to live your life. How much of your life are you willing to give away? How much of your life are you willing to reclaim? Once you reclaim your life, how much more do you think you will have to give others?”

So are you ready to be one of the courageous ones? Will you live your life your way? Are you ready to reclaim your life and share your unique gifts and talents with the world? Will you define who you truly are by the choices you make?

Most importantly, are you willing to stop betraying yourself at the highest level and live a life free from your own compromises to live the life you want to live?

Of course you are!!!

Article Written by Janet Wilks, NLP Practitioner and coach

Our beliefs create our reality. Even those we are not aware of! Particularly those we are not aware of!

We are conscious of approximately 10% of what we believe, so we are not conscious of much of what we believe! 90% of what we believe is in our subconscious or unconscious. In other words, we are not aware of 90% of our beliefs which means we are totally unaware of any limiting beliefs that may be lurking in there!

We can state a conscious intention, tell ourselves consciously it is what we want, but unconsciously, there may be a counter intention, a limiting belief, we are not aware of that will sabotage our conscious intention.

How many times have you set a goal for yourself applied positive thinking, consciously believed you can make a positive shift in your life and yet somehow, end up right back where you started? You may attempt this quite a few times and each time it is unsuccessful. This brings about feelings of failure, low self-esteem and lack of confidence. The reason you get into this vicious circle is because you have not dealt with the unconscious belief that is thwarting your efforts! Not surprising, as we are unaware of them! We don’t know what we don’t know!

Some of our unconscious beliefs serve us well. Putting clothes on before going out in public, checking for traffic before crossing the road. Some however, thwart us at every conscious effort we make. Leaving us frustrated, negative and bewildered as to why we are not getting the results we want, when consciously we are doing everything right to ensure success.

If you want to know what your unconscious beliefs are, look at the results in your life right now. If you don’t have the results you want, your unconscious beliefs are the reason.

It is important to uncover and dismantle these beliefs. To do that, all you need to do is be aware and acknowledge you have them and that they are in there! They will then begin to surface, as you focus on them. They will float up from deep in the subconscious into the conscious. It is important to allow them into your conscious, so you can deal with them, dismantle them and start getting the results you want!

There are several exercises and questions we can ask ourselves to uncover our unconscious beliefs, which will uncover them and bring them into the open.

Dismantling Unconscious Beliefs Techniques

Words Without Thinking

Listen to the words you say without thinking! These will tell you what your unconscious beliefs are. Write them down, reflect and analyse.

Bolstering Beliefs

Make a list of things you want that still hasn’t happened. Think about the beliefs you would need to have them. These are your “Bolstering Beliefs.”

Draw a line down the middle of a piece of paper, dividing it into two columns.

On the left hand side write down the bolstering belief list. On the right hand side write down the first thing that “pops up.”

 Don’t think about it consciously, just write it down, even if it doesn’t make sense, just let it flow. It uncovers the unconscious negative belief. Once identified, just keep going! Writing down whatever comes up!

Then question it. “Is this true?” “Do I really believe this?”

Based on Results

Answer honestly. “Based on the result of (fill in the blank) what must I believe at a less than conscious level?” And “What is my unconscious belief that created this situation?” Write down what comes up!

Dominant Hand

Write down a question such as “What is stopping me from achieving (fill in the blank?)” with your dominant hand (the hand you write with) then answer with your non-dominant hand. Just start writing! As your conscious mind has to think about using the non-dominant hand to write, it means it is not interfering with the subconscious mind, which is then free to bring up answers into your conscious awareness.

Self Muscle Testing

Our bodies are great indicators of when we have an unconscious limiting belief and will react accordingly, without us even being aware of it!!

State what it is you want and immediately swallow. If you are able to swallow easily, there is no unconscious limiting belief. If you have difficulty in swallowing, it means there is an unconscious limiting belief, which needs to be brought into your awareness!

State what it is you want as you rub the tip of your index finger over your thumbnail. If it rubs over smoothly it indicates no unconscious limiting belief. If it is not smooth, feels rough and stops, that is a good indication of an unconscious limiting belief.

It’s because your subconscious does not believe it’s what you really want! It’s a lie!

A good test to show how these two techniques work is to state something you know is true, then swallow or rub the tip of your index finger over your thumbnail, then repeat, this time saying something that you know is a lie! Notice the difference?


Willpower is a great way to check unconscious limiting beliefs. If you are having to use will power to force yourself into doing something then you need to ask the question “What is it in me that needs resolving, so I am not forced to use will power?”

It’s not that the subconscious is a bad guy! Indeed the opposite is true! It sees its job as to protect you! Because it operates from a purely emotional level, logic does not come into its thinking! So don’t be surprised when you are writing things down if some stuff comes up that doesn’t seem to make sense! It will to the subconscious mind!

To illustrate how powerful these subconscious limiting beliefs are, a few years ago I was working with a lady who was getting married for the second time after losing her first husband to cancer. She never thought she would find happiness again.

 However, there was something that was really upsetting her!

 She had bought her dress quite a while before the wedding, she had seen it, tried it on and fallen in love with it! Her dream dress!

A couple of months before the wedding, she tried it on and unfortunately, she was unable to fit into it, as she had put some weight on since she bought it!

She decided there and then to go on a diet, as she loved the dress so much and naturally that was what she wanted to get married in!!

She started with good intentions, set her goal, visualised herself walking down the aisle in the dress but, she could not stick to the diet! No matter how much she tried, she gave in and could not shift the weight!

Of course, she berated herself for being weak-willed, no discipline and lots of other unhelpful negative statements!! She could not understand when she had the greatest motivation to lose weight and wear her dream dress she just could not stick to her healthy eating plan!

We worked on uncovering the negative belief in the subconscious that was obviously there so that we could bring it into the open and dismantle it!

This is what we uncovered.

During the last few months of her first husband’s life it was obviously a very worrying, sad, distressing and stressful time and she lost a lot of weight.

So when it came to going on a diet for her wedding to “lose weight” the subconscious mind jumped into its protective emotional mode and said “No, we don’t want to do that, because when we lose weight, it’s because we are sad, unhappy and bad things are going on!” And then began to sabotage everything connected with losing weight! And of course she was totally unaware of this, until we rooted it out!

This is how powerful those subconscious beliefs can be!! They stop you getting whatever it is you want, without you knowing! And doing it to keep you safe! (In their little emotive world!) That is why it is important to write down anything that pops up when doing the exercises! Even if it seems totally illogical and irrational!

Once you have uncovered them, brought them into your conscious mind and dismantled them (and you can use your conscious logical mind for that! Just keep questioning how true and logical that belief is!) You can then set your goal and go for it, without being limited by your subconscious!

There are no limits to what you can then achieve!

Article written by Janet Wilks, NLP Practioner and Coach.