Happy 1st Birthday to us!

CP Staffing and Events celebrates its 1st Birthday after officially launching in February 2020!

A mixed bag of emotions to say the least, no one could have predicted or expected what challenges and hurdles 2020 would

throw at us. As a new start up and during a pandemic, we kept our spirits high, kept our head above water and survived through perseverance. I’m extremely proud of the efforts and support of the team with what we did achieve during

the challenging first 12 months.

A big Thank you to, Tina Marie Cahill Adrian Cahill Janet Wilks

Transactional Analysis! It was founded by Dr. Eric Berne and although it sounds a bit of a mouthful and may look a bit complicated, once you have a basic knowledge of how it works, it’s a brilliant way to improve communication by understanding how we communicate and behave as well as how others do.

Basically, it works on the idea that our brains have three distinct ego states, the parent, child and adult and in any communication between two people, each person will tend to move into one of those particular ego states.

So it means whenever we communicate with another, we will operate from one of these three ego states, as will the other person.

When we communicate with another, each exchange is known as a transaction. (Hence Transactional Analysis! Which is simply examining communication!)

A lot of this does go on at the subconscious level, we are not aware of the “ego ” we are talking from or the “ego” we are talking to. So having an awareness and taking notice in any communication we have, helps to improve our communication skills and rapport.

Complimentary transactions occur when both people are at the same level such as Adult talking to Adult. Both are in the same ego state, so both are thinking in the same way, making communication easier. Problems can occur in what is known as crossed transactions, where someone is talking to another, without knowing or understanding the ego state that person is in. For example, if an individual in the ego state of Parent, starts talking to someone as if they were in Child ego state, (Could be a telling off or dressing down), the conversation is not going to go well if that person is actually in an Adult ego state and will not appreciate “Being spoken to like a child!” Many of our problems come from transactions which are unsuccessful, due to being crossed.

By understanding and recognising which particular ego state we are in when communicating with another and more importantly, recognising their ego state at that time, it enables us to have  much more successful transactions, resulting in much better communication.

So a brief insight into how these ego states work.

Tone and volume of voice, words used, posture, gestures and emotional state are a good indicator of the ego state you or someone else is in. So they are worth paying attention to.

Parent

The Parent ego state is based on our own childish understanding of what parental rules and nurturing are. Nurturing, which is positive, or Critical which is negative.  When we are in Parent ego state, our communication is subjective and has emotion attached. If we are using a soft, warm and gentle voice, it’s a good indication that we are in the Nurturing Parent ego state. We may say something along the lines of “How are you feeling?” or “Are you ok?” On the other hand if the voice we are using is harsh, loud and critical, then we are likely to be in the Critical Parent ego state. We may say something like “You need to listen to what I’m saying” or “You are doing it wrong!” And you may also accompany this with the dreaded wagging finger!!

Adult

In the Adult ego state, we are rational, objective and unemotional. The adult ego state functions by gathering information and making decisions based on fact. Tone of voice in this ego state would be even, unemotional, calm and clear. The language used will be factual with no emotion attached, such as “Would you tell me what time the meeting is?” And our expression is likely to be a thoughtful one.

Child

The Child ego state is actually the part of the personality we keep from childhood. Free which is the fun loving, spontaneous, inquisitive child who wants to be liked. Adapted in which we respond to the world around us and either change to fit in or rebel. As with Parent ego state, Child ego state is subjective and emotional.

In Free Child ego state we are likely to have cheerful and/or emotional voices and use language made up of short phrases or one word such as “Brilliant!” “Wow!” “That’s great!” And we may use excited gestures such as clapping, jumping up and punching the air, a few little dance moves! If we are in Adapted Child ego state, particularly if we are in the rebel state, our voice may have a whining tone to it and we may use phrases like “Why should I?” “I don’t want to” “I’m not doing that” all said with a surly expression on the face!! In the fit in state we are likely to nod and agree with what is being said, without questioning it as we want to comply and fit in! (An example of this may be the boss giving you extra work, even though you may have more than enough of your own, you take it on, because you want to be seen as the good girl/boy!)

A few tips on how to recognise and respond to these ego states.

If you were asking somebody directions, there is no emotion involved, so it is likely to be an Adult to Adult transaction. You ask, they respond.

If you were having a conversation in Adult ego state with a work colleague, about a mistake they had made and they get angry, chances are they will be in Child ego state. To get communication back on track, you could speak to them from Nurturing Parent ego state, then switch back to Adult ego state.

If you and a friend were on a night out (remember them??) enjoying yourselves, giggling, joking around, you will probably both be in Free Child ego state, so communication between the two of you will be just right!

You may have something you are worried or upset about and need reassurance. You are likely to be in Child ego state, so ideally the person you are confiding in, needs to be in Nurturing Parent ego state, for you to feel reassured and comforted.

If you are in Adult ego state and somebody is speaking to you in Parent ego state, it may feel as though you are being patronised. Just continue to speak to them from an Adult ego state and you will probably find they will switch to that too.

If you are in doubt about which ego state the person is in that you are speaking to, the safe rule to follow is Adult to Adult. An adult acting like an adult is difficult to argue with, even if the other person is quite obviously in Critical Parent ego state! At least you are aware and can do your best to influence and change their ego state, even if they are unaware of it!

Having a basic understanding and awareness of how these ego states work and how to recognise them in yourself and others, means that you will not get lost in transaction!

Article blog written by Janet Wilks, NLP Practitioner and coach.

There is no doubt the death of Captain Sir Tom Moore is a huge loss of a remarkable character who captured the hearts of the nation in such a massive way when at the grand old age of Ninety-nine he decided he would walk round his garden in aid of NHS Charities Together, with the goal of raising £1,000 by his hundredth birthday. The rest as they say is history! He raised over £32 million pounds, was quite rightly knighted and became a National Treasure.  He was a true hero and an inspiration to many in the early days of the pandemic with his courage and determination to walk one hundred laps of his garden by his hundredth birthday!

He was Sir Captain Courageous! And the legacy he leaves means he will live on forever in the good the money he raised is doing and in our hearts! And the courage it took to embark on such a feat will inspire so many for years to come! A true legend!

So what is courage? What is it that makes somebody courageous?

Courage takes many forms. Some acts of courage are instantly recognisable. Soldiers fighting on the front line, risking their lives for their country. Somebody who suffers from a terminal illness and yet refuses to give in and inspires people in how they deal with it. The person who protects themselves, their family or the vulnerable against threats made to them. These indeed are examples of great courage!

Some acts of courage are less recognisable, which is perhaps why we don’t perceive them as such. They are great acts of courage all the same.

Courage is doing something you really don’t want to or are afraid of doing.

Courage is when you keep going even though you may feel overwhelmed and that it’s all too much.

Courage is holding your course when all the physical evidence says otherwise.

Courage is doing what you believe to be right, despite everybody else disagreeing with you.

Courage is staying true to you, your values and beliefs. It is about holding to these in the face of mounting opposition.

Courage is taking the first small step to make big changes.

Courage is overcoming fear and doubt to act on what you believe in.

Courage is admitting to yourself and others “I was wrong. I made a mistake. I’m sorry.”

Courage is being truthful and authentic with yourself, even if that hurts.

Courage is letting go. Letting go of people, events and situations that are holding you back.

Courage is being prepared to get uncomfortable, knowing that when you are uncomfortable, you are growing.

Courage is forgiveness of yourself and others.

Courage is keeping your faith and belief in your goals and doing whatever it takes to move you closer.

Courage is learning from setbacks and having another go.

Courage is seeking to understand others. To have empathy, compassion and being

 non-judgemental.

Courage is taking on new challenges, even if you are scared and fearful.

Courage is working out how to overcome any obstacles that may come your way and not giving up.

Courage is strength! You are strong when you act feel and do everything with

Courage.

Dale Carnegie said “Most of us have more courage than we ever dreamed we possessed.”

When you live your life in courage, anything is possible! It propels you forward and drives fear away. It gives you strength to keep going…even in times of doubt. Fear and doubt are banished when you acknowledge your courage within.  When you know that courage lives inside you, it is part of you and it is there for you to bring out and use any time you choose, just like Sir Captain Tom, who acted on his courage you can act on yours to embark on your own journey! You can own it and make use of this great gift we all have somewhere inside!

To bring it out, just think of all the times you have acted with courage. However small you perceive that act to be. No act of courage is small and insignificant! Each act is huge!  So celebrate each act of your own courage in a big way! You deserve it! You are a hero!

And Captain Sir Tom Moore we celebrate your courage, inspiration, determination, commitment, enthusiasm, legacy and your life in a big way! We salute you and thank you, our own special hero!

Article blog written by Janet Wilks, NLP Practitioner

You are unique in your own person and how you experience the world!

Each one of us will “Filter” information we receive, we will delete, distort and do what we need to do with it to make it “fit” into our own unique version of the world and our own unique perspective on how the world is. In NLP these are known as Meta programmes.

Answering the following questions will help you understand a little more about your Meta programmes or filters which in turn can help you understand other people’s filters! Please answer the questions before reading on, (no cheating!)  It is important to understand there is no right or wrong answers and just answer the questions based on how you perceive them, and all will be revealed!

What’s important to you in a job?

How do you know if you have done a good job?

What’s the relationship between this job and your last job?

Why did you choose this job?

If you are not working at the moment, then you can apply the answers to a previous job. It doesn’t have to be a job you were paid for, can be a volunteering role.

This is an NLP technique that is designed to establish an individual’s filter programme.  

The first question “What’s important to you in a job” relates to the Directional/Motivational filter.

We are motivated by either going toward something or moving away from something. The answers given to this question, will help establish which one is yours.

For instance

“I am at my best at my ideal weight” would be toward, it is moving towards what I want

“I am better at my ideal weight” would be away, as it implies moving away from where I am now.

“I want to achieve my target” would be moving toward

“I want to improve so I can reach my target” would be away from as it implies I want to improve from where I am now.

Any answer that includes “Get there” “Be there” “I will” “achieve” is toward language.

Any answer that includes “More” “Better” “Improve” is away language, it states the individual wants to move away from where they are now.

Of course, this is not set in stone, and these filters can change, particularly if we feel under stress, which we do want to get away from!

Your answers may not include words that can be immediately identified as toward or away language, so you may have to do some digging to establish. Ask a question such as “Why is that important?”

The second question “How do you know if you have done a good job?” refers to our Frame of Reference filter.

 We are either external or internal. External means we would seek evidence outside of ourselves to know we have done a good job, such as stats, praise, other people, feedback etc. Internal means we just know within ourselves if we have or not, despite what anyone else says.

It is important to remember when dealing with an individual who is external, that they do thrive on praise, feedback, being told what a great job they are doing etc. The internal person on the other hand, may find it quite patronising and uncomfortable. They would not for instance, enjoy being singled out in a team for special recognition, with a huge fuss being made in front of others, whereas an external person would. The internal would prefer a quiet well done in a non- patronising way out of the spotlight.

If the answers you give are 50-50, then ask “What’s more important, feeling it inside or what other people think?” to help establish.

The third question “What’s the relationship between your current job and your last job?” refers to the Relationships filter.

 In any situation and in life we are either seeking the similarities, or seeking the differences.

The word relationship is used in the question, so as not to influence the answer. If the question asked “What’s the difference between your current job and your last job?” your answers would focus on the differences, even if your filter is similar.

Again, the answers will give an insight into your preferred filter. If you answer dealing with people in both, customer service in both, similar hours etc., then your filter is seeking the similarities.  If you answer that the job is totally different, different role, different people etc.,   your filter is seeking the differences.

It is interesting to note that you can have two people who do the same job, come up with different answers, because of their relationship filter. Some will mention the similarities, some the differences.

The fourth question “Why did you choose your current job?” relates to the choices filter.

 We either make a choice through a logical, step by step process, which is the Procedural filter or we look at  our variety of choices that are available that appeal to us, without having any connection, which is the Optional filter.

The answers given, will reflect your preferred filter. If your filter is procedural you will tend to give a longer detailed answer, with related reasons. For example, “I was working as a customer service agent in finances in my previous job and felt I had gone as far as I could in that area and I wanted to develop my skills in another area, so this job has given me the opportunity to develop my skills and knowledge in billing, which means I have gained further experience in order to help me become more knowledgeable in all round customer service, which means I can further develop my career.”

If your filter is optional, you will tend to give a shorter answer, with unrelated reasons, such as “Experience, more money, better working conditions, meet new people, develop new skills, better company.”

It is important to remember that there are no right or wrong answers. Everything relates to how we perceive the world from our point of view. How the world is for us.

Understanding this will help you to improve your communication skills and build great relationships, as you are relating to people, based on their own meta programmes/filters and their own model of the world!

  And remember! You truly are a totally unique, one off, individual and that is exactly how you experience the world and the world experiences you!

Article Blog, written by Janet Wilks, NLP Practitionor and Coach.

To really help us in building good communication skills, one of the key things to understand is that every person is unique and that means that how we each experience the world and what is true for us is also totally unique. We each have our own individual model of the world.

One of the frameworks of NLP is “The Map is not the Territory.” This basically means that what we perceive as reality, is not reality itself, but our own unique version of it.

How we uniquely experience the world, is through our senses. Each of us has preferred senses for communicating and also learning and the three senses we tend to use are visual, audio and kinaesthetic (Feeling, doing). There is no right or wrong or better or worse one to use and each of us will have a preferred sense, even if we are not aware of it!

Visual

Visual people have a preference for things that can be seen or observed. This includes pictures, diagrams, demonstrations, handouts, films. Preferring to read and make notes. They will use phrases such as “I see” “Show me” “My vision” “My view” “I’ll look into it” etc. 

Auditory

Auditory people prefer receiving information through listening. The spoken word of self or others, audio recordings etc. They are happy taking instructions over the phone and will probably know all the words to songs they hear! They will use phrases such as “Tell me” “Let’s talk about it” “I want to discuss”  “I hear what you are saying” “That rings a bell” etc. 

Kinaesthetic

Kinaesthetic people prefer the physical experience! Touching, feeling, doing, being very hands on. They will experiment and go straight in to assemble something without looking at the instructions first! They will use phrases such as “I feel” “Get to grips with” “I’m in control”  “I’ll pull some strings” “I want to get it done” etc.  

Generally, individuals will have a main preferred communication style, although they will use a blend of all three, with one being more dominant. Some individuals have a very strong preference, others have a more even mix of two, although it is likely one will just be slightly more prevalent, much less common is a mix of three.

Our unique perception of how the world is and how we perceive it, also applies when we are given information.

When we receive information in “chunks” we filter it to match our unique reality, or our model of the world (known in NLP as a Meta programme General – Big Chunk Specific – Small Chunk) so that we are able to communicate and learn easily and comfortably.

If the information presented is too general or too detailed for our liking we lose interest and often start feeling uncomfortable and/or impatient. This causes difficulty in communication and learning.

Big Chunk Little Chunk

 “Big chunk” people like an overview first. They talk in generalities and are bored with very detailed information. Once they have the whole picture, they make their own connections easily and jump from idea to idea. They can be vague about giving, or following, instructions. They will “switch off” if having a conversation with someone who is “small chunk” as they are receiving too much information. They may also become resentful and impatient if asked for more information by someone who is “small chunk” as they believe the information they have given is enough and will not understand why more is needed.

“Small chunk” people like lots of details, lists of information, and specific instructions. They are uncomfortable with vagueness, generalities and overviews. They reach conclusions and decisions based on small pieces of information and details. They become impatient in conversation with someone who is “big chunk” as they are not receiving enough information from them. They may become resentful or even angry with someone who is “big chunk” as they believe they are being deliberately vague or purposely withholding information from them.

Understanding and being aware of our own preference and the person we are communicating with, allows us to “adapt” to that person’s preference. For example, if you are “big chunk” and the person you are speaking to is “small chunk,” adapting to “small chunk,” will be more likely to result in a successful exchange.

When giving information to a group, where there is a mixture, using “big chunk” is preferable, as long as it is made clear in letting the group know that further information can be obtained if required. This will then meet the needs of individuals who are “small chunk,” without losing the interest of those who are “big chunk.”

Once we understand that everybody perceives how the world is in their own unique way, we can adapt to another person’s reality in our communication with them, which really helps to build rapport and encourage engagement, trust and openness, leading to good relationships. 

Article Written By Janet Wilks, NLP Practitioner and Coach.

During lockdown staying in touch and being able to communicate has been really important. Whether it is checking up on loved ones, having a chat with friends and family, it is probably fair to say we are all grateful we have our smart phones, skype, zoom and all the other ways we can get in touch, so we don’t feel isolated and on our own. A real godsend until we can meet up face to face.

A lot of us are now working from home and because of this, team, staff and departmental meetings are carried out through zoom, telephone, facetime, etc. Even networking events are now online.

While it is great that we do have the technology to be able to do this, the downside is that we can miss a lot of what is going on with other people, when we are looking just at head and shoulders, or only hearing their voices on the telephone!

When we meet face to face we communicate in lots of other ways other than speaking. Facial expressions and body language give us a lot of information. Both consciously and unconsciously and these can be missed! Technical issues can also cause problems and disrupt an online meeting, or somebody disappearing from sight because they have shifted their chair! All of these things can create misunderstandings and frustrations, which is certainly not good if we are trying to get an important point across or convey some information that we need agreement and backing on!

When we are gathered in person around a table and we can observe the reactions to the point we are making by noticing body language and facial expressions (which we are all naturally expert at, either consciously or subconsciously) if we are getting a negative response, then we would do our best to address it there and then and look for the signs to tell us if it is working!

Studies show that 7% of communication is made up of words, 38% is made up of tone of voice and 55% is made up of gestures, expressions etc., in other words body language! No wonder we are experts!

So when we are unable to read that language (subconsciously or consciously) there is a chance that communication can breakdown, because we miss the gestures and signals people may be putting out, that normally we would pick up on when we are face to face and can see the whole person!

So, how can we do our best to make sure that what we are communicating is having the desired effect when we can’t rely on body language any more to give us those signals that tell us?

Well we are always communicating! We cannot not communicate! Whether it is with words, behaviour, gestures we are always sending messages. We communicate at two levels conscious and unconscious, so even if we are not aware of it, we are still sending our message out there!

In NLP there are what are known as presuppositions, one of which says that the meaning of communication is the response we receive regardless of our intention. Resistance is the result of inflexibility on the part of the sender.

Basically this means that it is our responsibility to get our message across and not the other person’s responsibility to get the message. It is our responsibility to be clear on the outcome we want from our communication. And to have a flexible approach! Which means instead of blaming the other person if their response to the communication is not what we wanted, we need to look at how we are getting our message across, how we are communicating it and what we may need to be doing differently or perhaps behaving in a different way to get the response we want!

This applies to all communication, not just in online meetings and in business! Every area!

Once you accept and understand this, you will no longer blame other people for “misunderstanding”  “not getting it” and will realise that they are missing the point, because of how you communicated the message!

It means that you will think about how you will approach it, have a definite “End in Mind” in any communication and know the outcome that you want and have the flexibility to do things differently if needed!

So what is the outcome you want? How do you want them to respond? What can you do to ensure the message is clearly understood and there is no misunderstanding? What might you have to do differently to get the result you want?

Taking total responsibility for getting the message across in the way you want it to be received rather than berating people for not responding in the way you wanted them to means you no longer have to rely on body language to tell you how successful your communication is going!

Your flexibility, your words, your behaviour to achieve your “End in Mind” will ensure success!

Communication is also about listening and as Stephen R Covey says in his book “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People” we all need to

“Seek first to understand then to be understood” 

Often, we have a tendency to jump in and fix things by giving “good” advice, our opinion, take control and often we do not take the time to really understand what is going on with people.

This is not because we believe we are better than others at it, it is part of our survival mode.

Next to physical survival, the greatest need is psychological survival, to be understood, appreciated and validated. 

All information we ever receive is filtered to make it fit into our model of the world, our reality and how we perceive it to be. So at a subconscious level we have a very strong need for our reality to be understood by others, so that we are able to survive in a psychological sense by knowing where we “fit in.”

This means that most people do not listen to understand. They listen with the intention to reply. They are either speaking or preparing to speak, to satisfy that basic need of being understood, to ensure psychological survival. This is not done intentionally, it all happens at a subconscious level, driven by that strong need.

We seek first to be understood.

We have a need to be understood, so we never really know what’s going on inside another person, because we do not seek to understand. So when we are aware of this, we are able to use it in a positive way.

Stephen R Covey explains how we need to practice empathic listening,which is listening with the intent to understand, rather than the intent to reply, advise, control, disagree, to satisfy our need of being understood.

Emphatic listening enables us to see the world from the other person’s point of view and give us an understanding of how they feel. It gives us an insight into their model of the world. It is not about agreeing with them, it is about a full and deep understanding of their reality, how they have filtered the information to fit their perception of how the world is.

When we listen in this way, we are satisfying a huge psychological need in that person, which is in each and every one of us.

This opens the door to building rapport and good relationships, which in turn leads to successful, positive communication.

So by breaking down communication, understanding how it works and putting it into practice, we are far less least likely to get a breaking down in communication!

Article Blog written by, Janet Wilks, NLP Practitioner and Coach

Cases and deaths on the rise, lockdown in place and the possibility of stricter restrictions, businesses and the economy suffering, children not at school and it’s Winter with its cold dark days and even colder nights! It is a time when even those who before Covid 19 and all that is related to it, were happy, positive and loving life and not been prone to negative thoughts and feelings now feel like giving up, have feelings of hopelessness, feel powerless and fear for the future.

How will we ever get out of this? When will it ever end? And when we look at the situation, there seems to be no answer! So no surprise we may now be experiencing all these negative, fearful feelings, given the circumstances.

It is understandable that no matter how focused we are on what we want, know what we need to do to get it, put plans into action, we are suddenly stopped in our tracks by doubt and fear, as we cannot see a way forward because of the situation.

  We lose faith and it is replaced with fear. We have doubts about ever achieving our goals and we have thoughts that tell us that what we have set our sights on is not going to happen.

Success in the current situation seems out of reach and failure appears to be the reality. We think about giving up and giving in, that what we want is not going to happen. We feel we are up against a brick wall and not daring to dream. We reach such a low point, our self-esteem nose-dives, and our faith and belief in ourselves and in the world is on the floor, our confidence has evaporated. We are hurting, unhappy, sad, frightened, frustrated with not being able to live life as it is meant to be lived!

 We are paralysed by fear, crippled by doubt. Unable to see a way to move forward, unable to visualise how we are going to get to where we want to be.  We seem to be moving further away from how we want to live, our dream is disappearing and we listen to the voice in our head that tells us that’s reality.

 When we are experiencing this, it is very difficult to break out of the negative feelings we are having. We are caught in a downward spiral. The more we experience it, the worse we feel, the worse we feel, the more of the experience we have. What compounds it and makes it worse, is that we know what we need to do. We know we need to change our feelings so that we feel good, we know we need to give thanks and be grateful for what we have in our life that is good, we know we need to be having positive thoughts, we are just not able to lift ourselves out of this pit of despair, which of course makes us feel worse!

Well take comfort! It happens! We are human with human thoughts and emotions. It does not mean we are useless, incapable or doomed to failure. The darkest hour is just before dawn. And we are just having our darkest hour.

 Understand that these negative feelings you are experiencing are not you, they are just feelings, relax and allow them to come. Let go of the resistance to these feelings.  What you resist persists! They are not real! They are not a physical thing! Explore them and know they are not who you are, they are just emotions! That’s all! So just allow them, it’s ok. It’s fine. Acknowledge and accept how you feel and this releases the negative feelings.

 When you let go of the resistance to those feelings, they will start to ease and fade and the voices in your head will quieten.  Then you can begin to climb out of the pit!

 Finding it a little difficult to let go? Here’s a very simple effective exercise.

 Just say in your mind, or out loud “I let go of the resistance to these negative feelings, I release the resistance.” You will start to feel relief. As you feel the relief, your mind will start to open up again to possibility and with that hope!

Another very simple thing to do, is just lift your chin up and let your shoulders sit back! Look skywards. According to psychology professor Paula Niedenthal who has studied a link between posture and emotion, it will instantly help you feel better! It will improve your mood and your confidence! (So saying chin up to somebody will really help!)

Those that keep their chins and eyes down and shoulders slumped will not! (Hence downcast!)

And of course, none of us know the answer to when and how will it end, we cannot see the future but there are a few things we do know for certain!

We know that life does change it doesn’t stay the same. We know that all things do pass. We know that Spring follows Winter and then the light nights and warmer, brighter days will replace the cold dark ones.

 It happens every year! The trees will blossom, the flowers will bloom,  the sun will shine bright and warm again. It is part of the cycle of life and we trust in it, because we know it happens. So we have to trust that even though we cannot see an end to it yet, this dark cycle we are in at the moment will come to an end, it has to because that’s how the cycle works.

 And as difficult as it is at the moment, now is the time to have the faith, hope and courage that this too, will pass. We must never give up on life! Believe that life will be good again, despite what our feelings tell us, because our feelings are not who we are!

And just on the other side of our darkest hour is the dawn, a new day and a new beginning.

Everything you want to be and to have is there waiting for you! It’s just having the faith and courage to believe in all things are possible, despite the evidence and how it appears now and what your negative feelings are telling you!

So what is waiting for you on the other side of our darkest hour? Visualise it!! How will it be? What are you doing? What can you see? What can you hear? Who is there? Where are you? What is happening? Get into the details!!

So roll on the end of Dark Days and bring on the Light Nights!

Blog Written by Janet Wilks, NLP Practitioner and Coach.

So it’s the start of 2021 and New Year is the time when most people will set goals for what they are hoping to achieve during the year. Particularly this year, when we are all glad to see the back of 2020! It may be losing weight, getting that dream job, meeting “The One,” gaining a new skill, staying healthy, keeping in touch more with friends and family, whatever it is, the start of the year seems to be the time we throw ourselves into goal setting. And this time, we say, we will stick to it!!

And as we all know, often what happens, we start with great enthusiasm and motivation, then come February, that enthusiasm and motivation has waned and once again, we become unstuck!

The reason for this is that we are so wrapped up in the goal, we are ignoring the outcome!

 We are not focusing on our compelling vision!! We are not looking at what it is we really want and why and what it would mean to us and how it would have a positive impact on our lives! Basically we are focusing on the goal and not the outcome that we want! And it is the outcome that will drive and guide the goal!

It is well-formed outcomes that make general goals into a compelling vision.

A well-formed outcome is big, bold, inspiring, motivating, flexible and allows us to dream of success in anything we want to do by giving us a believable vision.

A goal is set to achieve that outcome, then what often happens is that we focus so much on the goal, we lose sight of the outcome, because the goal has in effect, become the outcome and where our focus is.

This explains why often, when achieving a goal we are left asking ourselves “Now what?” It’s because we were too caught up in the goal rather than the outcome!

The important thing when setting an outcome is to know what you truly want, not how you will get it! Know what you truly want as that will inspire and motivate you. It will give you direction and focus and a call to action!

You don’t need to know the how, just the what! When you know what you want, the how will show up! A well-formed outcome is stated in the positive, takes into account where you are now as well as what you want and you will know when you have achieved it!

The goals you set to achieve your outcome are ongoing, the outcome remains the same, the big, bold, compelling, vision! You take the first steps because it is so much easier to take whatever action is needed because you are inspired, motivated and focused on success! You are unstoppable! Your goals guide you there!

Following these tips when setting your outcomes will really help your focus and clarity.

Know what you truly want and that it is stated in the positive!

How will you know when you have it? What will it look, feel and sound like?

You know where and when you want it!

You can take the necessary action. You are responsible and in control for achieving it!

It is good for you and your life! It will have a positive, empowering effect!

Visualise! When you have achieved your outcome, what is happening? What can you see? What can you hear? How do you feel? What is happening? What is the end in mind?

If you are unsure as to what your big bold  outcome is and what it is you truly want, a good question to ask yourself is:-

“What one thing would I dare to dream if I knew I could not fail? “

 So what would it be? Write it down! You’ve nothing to lose!! You know you cannot fail!! Dare to dream!! No matter what is happening at the moment!! Or how unlikely it may seem!! Answer the question!! Without limitations!!

 When you answer this, it becomes your X Factor, your focal point. When you answer this you have your Major definite purpose in life.Asking yourself this question will enable you to give much more thought to what you really want in life.

As a result, you will take more risks, you will take more chances, you will have greater clarity and decision making will be easier!

And if obstacles or barriers seem to challenge you. This is a great exercise for keeping the momentum going and moving forward towards your outcome! It encourages you to think and focus on “The End in Mind” the desired outcome you want, at times when you may doubt yourself and the progress you are making.

Walk the Line

Imagine you have already achieved your outcome. What would it feel, look and sound like? What is happening? Who is there? What’s going on? Make it as bright and bold as possible! Step into it! Associate with it! Enjoy it! Have fun with it!

Walk from a starting point along an imaginary line to where that place is, using a maximum of seven steps. This is because when breaking down an outcome, our brain will process no more than seven steps, so makes the exercise much more effective!

Turn and look back at the time between the starting point and the end point. How did you get to your outcome? What steps did you take? What was the first step? What was the last step? What happened in between?

Go back to the starting point and notice how you now feel when you look at that end point! What is happening? What changes have taken place?

Sometimes, we can lose sight of our desired outcome, because we focus on the obstacles and barriers. It’s a bit like having a mountain between you and your end result that prevents you from enjoying the view! This exercise breaks down that mountain so your path and vision are clear of obstructions!

So just focus on what you really want, take whatever action needed and keep on going!

Then your compelling vision will become your dreamed of reality!

And of course, you can dare to dream and set your big, bold outcomes any time of the year!! Not just when a new one starts!!

Blog written by Janet Wilks, NLP Practitoner and Coach

Leeds Dock Christmas Eve Eve 2020!

Our beliefs form when we begin to make “definitions” about ourselves. We create and build our own image of who we believe we are, based on those definitions and how we believe people perceive us.

Our beliefs can support or hinder our development and growth.

A lot of our limiting beliefs we have about ourselves (“I’m not good enough” “I’m not worthy” etc.) are due to conditioning. When babies are born, they only have a fear of loud noises and falling. When we are toddlers and exploring, our parents want to ensure we don’t hurt ourselves. They use words like “Don’t” “Mustn’t” “Can’t” which can eventually lead to us have limiting beliefs of what we can and can’t do.

Limiting beliefs can also be inherited. So if you grew up hearing your parents talk about “Lack of money” or “Life is hard” chances are you may grow up with the same beliefs.

When we are young, we rely on our parents or main caregivers for our survival as we are not able to look after ourselves. They are our protectors! We have to believe that whatever they say or do is right. Our mind cannot process at a young age that they could be wrong, otherwise it is too much of a threat to our safety and security! All this happens at the subconscious, emotional level, so we are not consciously aware of it.

So if you were told when you were young “You are stupid!” “You are always so naughty!” “You are never good!” “You mustn’t do that!” This is what you start to believe is true of you! Especially if you hear it often!  Even though a lot of things said by parents to children can be in the heat of the moment, children do take it on and there are also a lot of children who never hear much praise from their parents or main caregivers!

Once we are at an age where we could (and remember this is all in our subconscious thinking) survive on our own, then we will begin to question whether what our parents/caregivers say or do is actually right! And will challenge it! (Hence the terrible teens!!) 

The good news is any limiting belief can be changed!  As a belief is based on our own perceived reality of how things are, this means it is true for us, however it is only our version of the truth! There are many more versions out there! When we change our perception, we change our truth, which changes our belief!

Any belief you have about yourself starts as an idea. It becomes a belief when that idea becomes a certainty in our minds. It becomes a certainty when we back up the idea with evidence through our own interpretation of events we experience in our lives, which are totally unique to us. It becomes our truth and our reality. This is great if you have a belief that is empowering and positive! It’s not so great if the belief is disempowering, negative and stops you from being who you want to be!

If you think of the idea as a table top without legs. It won’t stand up by itself. For it to be able to stand, it needs legs and the more legs and the sturdier those legs, the better it stands. So think of a belief as a table top with at least four strong, sturdy legs. The legs are our perceived evidence, references and experience that support the table top. They enable the table top to stand up, making the idea so certain for us that it becomes a belief.

A great example is to think about when you were a child and believed in Father Christmas! Why did you believe? Well you had all the evidence! Your parents told you about him! You sent him a letter! He was in a lot of films and on TV! He was in the stores! You got presents from him on Christmas morning! He ate the mince pies and drank the sherry/whisky/milk you left out for him and his reindeer ate the carrots! Most of the Christmas cards had Santa’s face on them! So with all that, of course you believed!! The evidence was there!

So when and why did you stop believing?

 When did you change the story? What changed that belief? What changed the perception? What was the evidence that contradicted the original evidence?

Limiting beliefs can be changed in exactly the same way that you changed your belief about Father Christmas! So you know you can do it! You already have!

Limiting beliefs are stated in the present tense, for example:-

“I’m no good at interviews.”

Applying the present tense to a negative experience limits potential. By changing the tense of the statement, it shakes the intensity of the limiting belief.

So, “I’m no good at interviews” becomes “Up until now, I have found interviews a challenge”

Putting statements into the past tense suggests there is a possibility that things can change. It gives us an opportunity to examine the truth of the evidence we have.

To change a conscious belief all we do is start with the opposite idea. Then we begin to create the new belief “I am good at interviews” by finding the evidence, experience and references to support the belief and our subconscious mind will start to take it in.

A new positive belief must contain three essential components and must be repeated

 over and over every day to take root and grow in the subconscious mind.

Make them personal by using “I”Make them in the present by using “am” and include

a positive description “Good at interviews”

Then you begin to create the new belief and your subconscious mind will start to believe it!! It has to, because it already believed it when it was the other way round! So you are just changing your story!

 The table top becomes a positive belief instead of an idea! Supported by strong, sturdy, legs!

The new belief  becomes a self- fulfilling prophecy, (just as the old belief did) and evidence, people, opportunities, events will appear as if by magic to back it up!

We live in the story we believe about ourselves! The really important thing to remember though, is that you are not the story you are the storyteller! So you have the power to create a new story at any time by changing your old limiting, negative beliefs to new, empowering, positive beliefs and have your Happy Ever After!

And with that I’m just off to check I have enough mince pies, sherry and carrots for

Father Christmas and his reindeer on Christmas Eve!

Merry Christmas everybody!

CP Staffing and Events Team

Our beliefs create our reality. Even those we are not aware of! Particularly those we are not aware of!

We are conscious of approximately 10% of what we believe, so we are not conscious of much of what we believe! 90% of what we believe is in our subconscious or unconscious. In other words, we are not aware of 90% of our beliefs which means we are totally unaware of any limiting beliefs that may be lurking in there!

We can state a conscious intention, tell ourselves consciously it is what we want, but unconsciously, there may be a counter intention, a limiting belief, we are not aware of that will sabotage our conscious intention.

How many times have you set a goal for yourself applied positive thinking, consciously believed you can make a positive shift in your life and yet somehow, end up right back where you started? You may attempt this quite a few times and each time it is unsuccessful. This brings about feelings of failure, low self-esteem and lack of confidence. The reason you get into this vicious circle is because you have not dealt with the unconscious belief that is thwarting your efforts! Not surprising, as we are unaware of them! We don’t know what we don’t know!

Some of our unconscious beliefs serve us well. Putting clothes on before going out in public, checking for traffic before crossing the road. Some however, thwart us at every conscious effort we make. Leaving us frustrated, negative and bewildered as to why we are not getting the results we want, when consciously we are doing everything right to ensure success.

If you want to know what your unconscious beliefs are, look at the results in your life right now. If you don’t have the results you want, your unconscious beliefs are the reason.

It is important to uncover and dismantle these beliefs. To do that, all you need to do is be aware and acknowledge you have them and that they are in there! They will then begin to surface, as you focus on them. They will float up from deep in the subconscious into the conscious. It is important to allow them into your conscious, so you can deal with them, dismantle them and start getting the results you want!

There are several exercises and questions we can ask ourselves to uncover our unconscious beliefs, which will uncover them and bring them into the open.

Dismantling Unconscious Beliefs Techniques

Words Without Thinking

Listen to the words you say without thinking! These will tell you what your unconscious beliefs are. Write them down, reflect and analyse.

Bolstering Beliefs

Make a list of things you want that still hasn’t happened. Think about the beliefs you would need to have them. These are your “Bolstering Beliefs.”

Draw a line down the middle of a piece of paper, dividing it into two columns.

On the left hand side write down the bolstering belief list. On the right hand side write down the first thing that “pops up.”

 Don’t think about it consciously, just write it down, even if it doesn’t make sense, just let it flow. It uncovers the unconscious negative belief. Once identified, just keep going! Writing down whatever comes up!

Then question it. “Is this true?” “Do I really believe this?”

Based on Results

Answer honestly. “Based on the result of (fill in the blank) what must I believe at a less than conscious level?” And “What is my unconscious belief that created this situation?” Write down what comes up!

Dominant Hand

Write down a question such as “What is stopping me from achieving (fill in the blank?)” with your dominant hand (the hand you write with) then answer with your non-dominant hand. Just start writing! As your conscious mind has to think about using the non-dominant hand to write, it means it is not interfering with the subconscious mind, which is then free to bring up answers into your conscious awareness.

Self Muscle Testing

Our bodies are great indicators of when we have an unconscious limiting belief and will react accordingly, without us even being aware of it!!

State what it is you want and immediately swallow. If you are able to swallow easily, there is no unconscious limiting belief. If you have difficulty in swallowing, it means there is an unconscious limiting belief, which needs to be brought into your awareness!

State what it is you want as you rub the tip of your index finger over your thumbnail. If it rubs over smoothly it indicates no unconscious limiting belief. If it is not smooth, feels rough and stops, that is a good indication of an unconscious limiting belief.

It’s because your subconscious does not believe it’s what you really want! It’s a lie!

A good test to show how these two techniques work is to state something you know is true, then swallow or rub the tip of your index finger over your thumbnail, then repeat, this time saying something that you know is a lie! Notice the difference?

Willpower

Willpower is a great way to check unconscious limiting beliefs. If you are having to use will power to force yourself into doing something then you need to ask the question “What is it in me that needs resolving, so I am not forced to use will power?”

It’s not that the subconscious is a bad guy! Indeed the opposite is true! It sees its job as to protect you! Because it operates from a purely emotional level, logic does not come into its thinking! So don’t be surprised when you are writing things down if some stuff comes up that doesn’t seem to make sense! It will to the subconscious mind!

To illustrate how powerful these subconscious limiting beliefs are, a few years ago I was working with a lady who was getting married for the second time after losing her first husband to cancer. She never thought she would find happiness again.

 However, there was something that was really upsetting her!

 She had bought her dress quite a while before the wedding, she had seen it, tried it on and fallen in love with it! Her dream dress!

A couple of months before the wedding, she tried it on and unfortunately, she was unable to fit into it, as she had put some weight on since she bought it!

She decided there and then to go on a diet, as she loved the dress so much and naturally that was what she wanted to get married in!!

She started with good intentions, set her goal, visualised herself walking down the aisle in the dress but, she could not stick to the diet! No matter how much she tried, she gave in and could not shift the weight!

Of course, she berated herself for being weak-willed, no discipline and lots of other unhelpful negative statements!! She could not understand when she had the greatest motivation to lose weight and wear her dream dress she just could not stick to her healthy eating plan!

We worked on uncovering the negative belief in the subconscious that was obviously there so that we could bring it into the open and dismantle it!

This is what we uncovered.

During the last few months of her first husband’s life it was obviously a very worrying, sad, distressing and stressful time and she lost a lot of weight.

So when it came to going on a diet for her wedding to “lose weight” the subconscious mind jumped into its protective emotional mode and said “No, we don’t want to do that, because when we lose weight, it’s because we are sad, unhappy and bad things are going on!” And then began to sabotage everything connected with losing weight! And of course she was totally unaware of this, until we rooted it out!

This is how powerful those subconscious beliefs can be!! They stop you getting whatever it is you want, without you knowing! And doing it to keep you safe! (In their little emotive world!) That is why it is important to write down anything that pops up when doing the exercises! Even if it seems totally illogical and irrational!

Once you have uncovered them, brought them into your conscious mind and dismantled them (and you can use your conscious logical mind for that! Just keep questioning how true and logical that belief is!) You can then set your goal and go for it, without being limited by your subconscious!

There are no limits to what you can then achieve!

Article written by Janet Wilks, NLP Practioner and Coach.